Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
Randomize
