I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
where does the pee come out of this thing
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
Also, beer. Big fan.
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
Randomize
