I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
four loko is officially banned. leave it to the kids from a state school to fuck it up for everyone
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
Are we still banned from the library?
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
Randomize
