you turned your livingroom into a bong?
I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
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