Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
Ben's a prick.
What Ben are you talking about?
All the bens across all the lands
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
had to split buying plan b over two cards. I will no longer challenge people to get on my level
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
Randomize
