"You squeeze, we tiip biiiiiig" JB
i have i love cock written on my hand and a vagina drawn on my arm and i just finished eating breakfast with the whole fam for mothers day
ahah at least you got away with it
nope...my gran was the one who informed me
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Randomize
