what i wouldnt give for a night at orourkes without seeing 3+people ive slept with
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
dude they had a "sorry for partying" wall in their house which consisted if all the hospital bills, tickets, detox receipts and court orders they've gotten. The ENTIRE wall was covered.
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
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