It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
