is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
Between the walk of shame, bar fight, karaoke, injuries, number of bar check-ins, and variety/quantity of alcohols and Advil consumed, I'd say HookerFest 2012 was a raging success.
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
Randomize
