what about "I will fuck you for a jamba juice" do you not understand?
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
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