the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
he urdandictionary'ed 'tease' on his phone and made me read through all the definitions. Am i really that bad?
You slept in the bed with him... with your top off.... and just made out with him....
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
i'm not a hellocoptur, but youer in a dorm ans im un a dorm
czant get you from the arport. sry i found the rum. dan sucks at rumpong jusrt so yo knoqw.
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
Randomize
