Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
rhymes with "ouble enetration"
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon�
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
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