having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
We just shotgunned beers for America
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Randomize
