I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
