I got called a slut by a bunch of girls that work at Hooters..wtf is that shit? explain that to me
I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
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