Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
Randomize
