I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
Robbie told me you spent 10 mins discussing the curl in his hair and that you said "with that curl in your hair, you'll go far"
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
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