We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
we ended up doing shots out of those medicine cups..swine flu finally did something good for me
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
You peed on a flamingo?!?
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