What happened to our ballroom dancing plans
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
Randomize
