My bad bro. I had no idea that when i suggested our triva team name be my last abortion tickled, that she would bring up cancun. Stay strong i think she really liked you
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
Randomize
