Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
So what's going on?
We hit boys town to get stupid. I mean invading Iraq stupid.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
We made a blanket fort in my dorm room and fucked in it. Twice. I'm in love.
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