If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
Alex, there's no such thing as a fancy sex store.
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
Randomize
