I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
Someone just pulled taco bell tacos out of their purse in class....2 problems with here. 1) this class is nutrition 2) taco bell is not open this early.
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
Randomize
