Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
Fuck I forgot the furry convention was this weekend and now I'm downtown. Way too high for this shit.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
Randomize
