Are we in a gay sports bar?
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
Going to.goingto.gtoing to DIE DIE DIEEEE......i feel like everyeone impotrant in my life like MLK is judging me.... saddd day
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
The walk home lasted longer than the sex. He lives in the flat above the bar.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
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