i need an iv and a liver transplant
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
Do the low cut shirt test. If he stares at your tits even in front of your brother, he's down.
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
