I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
We dont have to go to dinner or anything gay like that. I just wanna do it.
I absolutely love you.
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
I AM AT THE LOUNGE WHERE THEY FILMED THE LAP DANCE IN SHOWGIRLS....IT IS AMAZING
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
Randomize
