Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
after taking her first shot and having her first random hook up she finally feels like she is ready for college
she has no idea
I went to class with the sex aroma on me. The hot sun doesn't help much.
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
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