Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
We fucked in my basement while hiding from the cops.. And now his Facebook picture is him and others holding up there MIP's in front of my house.. I feel obligated to add him as a friend.
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
Sooo i'm debating posing nude for the drawing and painting classes, I just wanna see if they draw my nip ring.
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