There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
this is the fifth day in a row i've woken up after 3 pm, hungover. I might die when snowmageddon is finally over and we have to go back to class. my liver wont know how to take it.
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
Randomize
