he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
So the remote for the camera in the photo booth must have gotten dropped on the floor. while you were in there. having a threesome. on the floor of the room where my parents stay when they visit me. so thanks.
Randomize
