ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
I know. She seems like she getting that "need some dick" restlessness. Might explain the feisty attitude
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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