I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
Randomize
