My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
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