I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
Randomize
