After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
Drank a fosters this weekend and last weekend. Listening to down under 5 times a day. Spent 100 dollars on a sleeveless men at work shirt circa 1983. We don't leave for another 5 weeks. I call it pregaming.
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
me + whiskey = a bad person
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
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