She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
She used the word "fragged" in proper context. tell me that's not bust-nut hot.
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
what the hell is that chicken wire thing she's holding?
An artistic expression of her stupidity.
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
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