Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
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