Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
Randomize
