The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
I'm naked and wearing a cowbell.i love med school.
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
Randomize
