My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Randomize
