I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
Randomize
