At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Randomize
