I can't remember if we talked about feelings. Fuck you Miller High Life.
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
he said he got tested two months ago... he goes with his whole family.
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
Randomize
