Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
Randomize
