my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
Just saw an Asian kid crash into the bike rack with his bike. I love sitting outside the engineering building.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize
