Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
Eh maybe I should give her a chance. Let's see where making a porno takes the friendship
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
Randomize
