I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
I'm not sure... But I think I just found a porno I starred in during my black out week of '08.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
Randomize
