we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
I DID MY EXPERIMENTING. FOUR YEARS OF IT. IN HIGH SCHOOL.
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Im selling my dirty underwear to pay for that cruise. NO JUDGEMENT . I love you lol ❤❤ also dont tell anyone
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
Randomize
