I wanna come home
And do what?
Kiss. Rip clothes off. Repeat.
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
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