at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
Randomize
