Can Purell be used as lube?
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
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