i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
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